How to treat a Man… 

 

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Right now in the world there is a lot of talk against men.  The very thought of this article is probably going to be met by many with a “Fuck em… they need to learn what it’s like to be on the shit side of life for a while!”  If that is your response that so be it.  It is natural to want to attack those who have attacked you.

If you are a woman whose been “kept down” (even if it is really a creation in your mind) by men then you see all men as the enemy.  Ok, you choose that relationship with men.  You choose to make an adversary of half the population, and namely the other half of the human identity.  It’s a bold move let me know how that works out for you.

For those of you that don’t want to have an enemy in 50% of the world’s population here is a guide to helping some of the men in your life navigate the negativity in their world and to be their best selves.

 

Your father…

Forgive him.  You won’t understand his role in your life until you are him if ever.  Could he have done better, probably.  If you are a grown adult (which if you are not stop reading, this site is not for you) then accept he did what he did.  It may not have done his best but there is no changing it.  If you are angry at him you are just hurting yourself.  Distance sure… but forgive.

If none of the above apply, and you had a great time even some of the time.  Show him gratitude.  He’s been freaking out for years that you are screwed up and it’s his fault.  You can take the weight off the shoulders of someone who loves you to just let him know, “I got this.  Thank you for getting me this far.”  Gratitude is other side of forgiveness.  It sets you free.

 

Your brother…

Understand him.  You can think things were different for him than you.  Being a guy… yeah they were.  But look, nothing is easy for anyone.  He dealt with rejection in a way you don’t understand.  He dealt with every bit of identity and personality issues you did.  Just different.  He probably didn’t arrive where he is now without some damage, just like you.  If you want to talk difference, well he can’t show it.  He might not even be able to acknowledge it.  If he didn’t have an example of what being a man is today then he may be lost, confused, angry, or all of the above.  Be patient with him and encourage him.  If nothing else be a good part of his life so he knows where the peace is when he needs it.

 

Your lover…

Help him.  Really.  Tell him you love and support him.  Show him you love and support him.  Never take him for granted.  Help him be his best self.  Above all, don’t be difficult.  Be an active partner.  It’s not just you that likes romantic gestures, flowers, and candy.  When was the last time you got him a gift?  A comic book at the grocery store… candy… a toy… anything?  So many women don’t but at the same time expect flowers and surprises.  It’s not fair.  Guys accept that, but it still sucks.  You may never know the stress of having to be leader in a relationship, it can be the source of his greatest strength and his greatest stress all at once.  Help him.  Whenever possible don’t be difficult, pick a restaurant, plan a date, do something different for him.  The biggest thing you can offer is your affection.  Simply put, guys love to chase you… if you love him be easier to catch.  Treat him like he is the best man in your life and he will rise to that occasion.

 

Everyone else…

Be at peace with them.  Trust me, I know you need to be or at least appear strong to get by in the world.  Instead of treating everyone like the enemy and letting hate into your life, live by this principle, “Make savage the body, Civilize the mind.”  Be ready for an enemy, but have your mind ready to accept dialogue and make peace.  Think over the events of the last few days.

My principle are…

To be at peace with myself and the world.

To be ready for war with myself and world.

To be my best self and help all those would want help to be their best selves.

 

I hope you share these principle with me.  The events of the last few days are not the actions of those who are at peace with themselves.  They are the actions of the scared, the hurt, and angry.  While that is understandable it is not a place of peace with one’s self and therefore is a poor place to go to war from.

Be at peace with yourselves ladies.  Work to be at peace with the world around you.  Prepare for war, but seek peace.

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Why Something Rather than Nothing?

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So this is a topic that I’ve been reluctant to write about for some time.

When I started this little project I wrote some basic relationship advice that basically just comes from making to my age and interacting with other people.  I always felt that nothing I think much less write is really unique; no deep secrets here.  That being said it appears that some people out there (guys I imagine most but if you are of the female persuasion and find some value here good on you) need a mental exercise to help them out.

So let’s get started.

It seems so fundamental but it’s the best place to start and end.

When I studied in college I took a philosophy course or two.  They were helpful in organizing my thoughts and developing the cold analytical machine you are reading here.  One of my particularly wizened professors once told the class that his ultimate question was “Why something rather than nothing?”  Whether you believe in nothing, something, or any combination there in you must admit that the universe (i.e. reality) exists.  Was there a point that it didn’t?  Don’t get caught up on whether everything exists because of an old man in white robe or random chemicals doing random things.  Think past that and ask yourself not how but why does everything exist?

Right about not you are asking, “What the absolute fuck does this have to do with relationships?”

Well, it’s simple really.  Often times relationships become our world and we get so caught up on the HOW we forget the WHY.

 

How do I make them happy?

How do I find time for them?

How do I pay the bills to get them what they want?

How do I do everything they need me to do?

 

It is important, perhaps the most important thing, to ask yourself throughout and regularly…

 

Why am I with them?

Why do they make me happy?

Why do I make them happy?

Why am I not alone?

Why are they not just a friend?

 

So instead of asking “How do I make this work?” dare to ask the harder question, “Why should I make this work?”

Often times we (guys especially) end up focusing on the doing.  We are task orientated creatures.  However, tasks without purpose can be very bad for you.

You would not run daily to prepare for a weight lifting completion and you would not lift weights to prepare for a marathon.

 

Why are you in the most all-consuming relationship of your life?

 

If you answers read

 

Because they said yes…

Because they need me…

Because I’ll be a bad person if I don’t want this…

Because I don’t know what else to do…

 

You deserve better.

Fundamentally, you are an aberration in existence.  You are a unique person among nearly 7 Billion today, much less the Billions throughout human history.  There has been and only will be one you.  This is your story and if you are spending the best chapters on reason like the ones above I tell you that you can do better.  Doing nothing is better than doing the wrong thing for the wrong reasons.

 

Worse, it’s selfish.

 

They are every bit as unique as you.  Instead of letting them live up to their potential (which may be a painful thing) you are crippling them by making them use the crutch that is your relationship.  They will never grow and heal if you keep carrying them.  You are holding them back because you don’t know what else to do.  Go through the pain of letting them go through the pain.

 

So, right about now you are pretty bummed and asking “Well then what are the right reasons?”

This is not a comprehensive list but here we go…

 

Because I am truly the best version of myself when I am with them…

Because they inspire, not shame or trick, me to do more…

Because they believe in me and when they believe in me I believe in me…

Because I know when things go bad they help me up and not put me down…

 

You only get one trip through life.  Be the best version of yourself.

The work you dedicate your life to should have meaning.

The people in your life should be better for having known you.

The person you make your partner should make you better.

 

Money, jobs, houses, things…  If you leave this world having spent your life on someone who does not make it better you are wasting the one thing you will never have more of… time.  So ask yourself…  Why?

Conflict and Desire

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A lesson to live by:  All conflict is result of denied desire.

Conflict is almost always manifested as “I want something someone else has.”

It could be their candy, their time, their affection, their money, their status, their friends, their mate, their stuff, their life, on and on…

 

You could take it.  That would be an external conflict.

You could suffer without it.  That would an internal conflict.

You could work/change to have what they have.  That would be a personal conflict.

 

Denying a desire creates conflict.  Let’s step out of the ethereal and get into the practical.

 

Work conflict.

 

I want these people to proper fill out their forms.  I desire their attention.  I desire their concern to do what I want.  Ultimately, I want to get things done and I can’t because of this.

 

If you start to look at conflict in its base element you can begin to address it in the most effective way.

Ask yourself, “How do I get what I desire?”

 

Successfully resolved conflict is not hurting the other person as you were hurt, that doesn’t get you what you want.  When you do that you are making a false equivalence.  You hurt me… so I hurt you until you stop hurting me.  This feels right because it appeals to the most primal part of conflict, external or physical.  The problem is that it doesn’t translate past physical threats.

Going back to our example:  If these people won’t fill out their forms correctly and so you stop helping them then ultimately nothing gets done.  That is opposite of your ultimate desire, to get things done!

So how do you get what you want?

You need to get them to what you want… your ultimate desire.  You need them to want to get things done as much you do.  If they want it as much as you do ten there will be no conflict as you are all committed to common goal of getting things done.  That single purpose drives all interactions and sets the rules for the relationship.

The conflict is resolved only when the denied desire is fulfilled or abandoned.

 

Personal Conflict

 

I desire to have this kind of relationship with that person.

If they desire that same kind of relationship then there is no conflict.

If they do not desire that same kind of relationship then there is conflict.

 

It is that simple.  It really is.

 

Example: I want my family to treat me a certain way.  When they don’t I feel bad, angry, or stressed and I want to feel calm and accepted.  Ultimately, I want to feel happy.

 

This comes down to a matter of choices.

 

The people in your life will choose to treat you how you want to be treated.

When they treat you want to be treated you happy and your Ultimate desire is to be happy.

You want someone to treat as a lover, a friend, a brother, sister, son or daughter… whatever it is.  You have an idea of what that looks like and you desire them to conform to it.

 

That is their choice.  To treat you the way you desire or not.

 

Your choice is to accept it or not.  You cannot resolve the conflict by hurting them like they hurt you.  Again, this is primal our usually our first response.

 

You desire your relationship to conform to your ideas of what it should be and to the degree it does is the degree that the relationship exists.

 

HOWEVER!  This puts two responsibilities on you.  (Pay attention here kiddos!)

 

  • You must know and communicate your desires. If you are vague or unsure of what you want then you are the cause of the conflict.
  • You must be willing to confront the conflict. If you desire one thing but tolerate a lesser because you fear or have no desire for conflict then you are actually making the choice to accept relationship as is and are not entitled your desires.

 

That being said… conflict is not bad boys and girls.  Conflict is your desires and your willingness to go after them.  The conflict is no worse than your desires are.  If your desires are valid then so the conflict should be worth it.  Count the cost and know exactly what you are in conflict for.