6 Times Commercials were full of Terrible People

Toyota Wants You To Be Irresponsible, Causes Personal Economic Crisis

 

 

The scene opens. Interior of a high end restaurant kitchen.  An older guy confronts a young woman. He throws out her food, unhappy with her work. She rolls her eyes, throws away her jacket and storms out of the kitchen… and into a brand new Toyota.

The song “You Don’t Own Me!” plays.  This is a defiant stance against the establishment. That guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about!  He may own a restaurant and employee a dozen or so people but screw him!

Defying authority can be fun! Sometimes it’s even something to be admired. However, its disingenuous coming from someone trying to sell you something. The car in the commercial is at least $22,000.

Play this scene out.

Same woman goes into a Nissan dealership.

“I want the new Toyota Corolla, with push to start and kick ass stereo! Oh and that cool lane awareness that keeps me from drifting into oncoming traffic as I sing power ballads!”

The saleswoman says “No problem! Are you paying cash or will you be financing this?”

“Well, I don’t have the cash, so I’ll be financing.” She responds.

“Let’s get started. We’ll need pay stubs and proof of employment?”

“Well, I just quit my job. My boss was jerk.” The former chef snaps.

“Wow that is terrible.  Do you have any collateral you can put down to get a loan maybe? Like a 401k or any savings?” The saleswoman is obviously deflated.

“No, I don’t have a 401k or have any savings, I keep quitting jobs.” The former chef responds.

“What about a cosigner? Parents maybe…” the Saleswoman is desperate.

“I don’t really speak to my parents.  I have no coping skills and storm away from problems rather than learning from them so we don’t talk as they don’t support my every impulsive action.” She looks ready to storm out again.

The former chef is mad, hurt, confused, all the emotions she is incapable of handling are hitting her all at once. Wait! She has an idea. She is going to buy a food truck!

The commercial appears to have a happy ending. She gets a food truck!  But wait…

The old chef was still right. If you think that there is an equivalence between the standards of fine dining, brick and mortar restaurants and a food truck you are wrong. The only correlation is eating. Maybe her cooking is good enough for stoned surfers down by the beach. This doesn’t invalidate the old chef’s judgement.

Also, this is obviously not her food truck. Those things are expensive (Between $25,000 and $100,000) and banks will not give you the loan needed to start a business if you have a history of not being able to hold down a job.  Therefore, she has a boss and they will still want her to do things their way!

But let’s say this is somehow her truck. That’s worse.

You are watching her descent in crippling debt and failure.  What happens when she has to get a food license?  Health inspections? With her poor coping skills she’ll just quit and abandon the truck in a parking lot. But at least the song is cool!

 

Campbell’s Real Life is full of Really Mean People

 

Campbell’s Makes People Jerks

 

First no one lives their life like this.

His mom is not her mom so they are not siblings… so the natural assumption is they are a couple.

They probably share a bed. If he was sick he may have slept on the couch, but no decent person would be finding out their partner is sick as they’re about to leave.

Did she wake up without him or go to bed without him? Did she not check on him before getting ready?

That is how you end up with a dead body.

 

“I swear officer I didn’t know he was dead.”

“C’mon, you live together. How did you not know he was dead for three days?”

“Well, I don’t really check on him unless he sits by the door.”

 

Anyway, he tells her how he’s feeling and tells her a sentimental story of his childhood and his mom making him soup.

A smile crosses her face. She gets an idea and a shit eating grin on her face, a psychotic grin as she plays with her victim.

She gleefully gets the phone… and chucks it at him! She doesn’t hand it to him. She throws it at him without looking! She tells him to call his mom, and doesn’t even look back.

This guy doesn’t need his mom or magic healing soup… he needs to drain her brake fluid while it’s still snowing! I’m starting to think this is some kind Misery prisoner situation.

Then we cut to this sad shell of a man making soup. To add insult to injury, the narrator kicks in “There when no one else is.” They might as well add in “No one loves you and you’re going to die alone.”

It’s cliché but let’s engage role reversal.

Watch the commercial in your mind again, but this time she’s sick and he’s heading out. He tells her to call her mom, tosses the phone at her and heads out.

Is he an asshole? Would you snap your fingers and tell her she needs to get with a real man?

 

The Verizon Woman is a Killer Robot

 

Verizon’s Inhuman Commercial

 

I’ll be blunt, this woman is a robot.

Look at this woman, stare into her dead eyes. She body doesn’t move as she talks. Mute the commercial and watch her.  She doesn’t move her hands or her body.  She is literally a talking head.

 

“I do everything on the internet.”

 

Who says that? This is such an inhuman thought. I dare you to just work into social conversations

 

“I like cats.”

“Cool, I do everything on the internet.”

 

No one talks like that. No human anyway.

 

“My friends said I should get FIOS.”

 

Verizon does not know how their own internet market works. MOST people don’t have a choice in their internet. If they are so fortunate it is between the Cable Company (usually rated worst in customer service right behind unlicensed contractors and just ahead of kidnappers) and some “other option”. That’s were Verizon comes in.

 

“I just download 600 photos in 60 seconds.”

 

Ok, think about it… where can you download 600 photos?  Why would you need it done in less time that it takes to go to the bathroom?  What are these photos of? Did she just hack a spy satellite and is getting surveillance photos of her target?  I have less than 600 photos in my entire history on Facebook. Granted, I’m socially stunted but still.

She ends the commercial with “I wonder what else could be better around here (Implying she is thinking of replacing the background husband)?”

What crisis could drive you to replace a person?  Milk, or the lack of it.

The faceless husband (I’m assuming husband, possibly human slave) announces that they are out of milk, and she gets the crazy eyes and think of replacing him.

That’s machine thinking. Don’t replace the milk, replace the failed component.

 

Zyrtec Makes People Cruel and Incompetent

 

Seasonal allergies make your eyes water, so badly they swell shut, and yes you sneeze.  You turn into a mushed ball of ache and watery eyes and I usually skip work because I would be unpleasant to be around.  However, if I worked with these jerks I would stay home and not endure their torture.  Seriously, this scene plays like something out of Saw.

Seasonal Allergy Jerks

You can tell its allergy season by the flowers in bloom and can even see huge blobs of pollen floating in the background.  Real subtle.  I haven’t seen plant life this actively trying to kill people since the Happening.

But what is their response?  Roll down the windows!  All four windows are down.  If the front seat passenger is suffering from allergies, or giant attacking pollen blobs, why wouldn’t she at least roll up her own window?

Answer: They’ve locked out window control.  They are making her face her allergies like an angry dad who caught their kid smoking and makes them smoke a whole carton.

Clearly, these evil people know what they are doing.

Look at the tray of drinks the barista hands the driver.  They all have lids, except the one for the front passenger.  She is being set up.

She doesn’t help herself though.  She’s going to sneeze but look at what she does… she brings the drink to her face.  Either she is rendered so incompetent by her allergies that she is trying to drink and sneeze at the same time or she doing it on purpose.

She’s thinking, “Screw you window controlling assholes!” and proceeds to sneeze whip cream all over.

The scene plays out again, windows down, uncapped drink, but this time the ladies are in casual clothes.  Maybe its casual Friday (I can’t believe that these ladies have such abusive relationships that they are actually friends outside of work).

This time however, they threaten to not give the women her whip cream mountain drink and she gives them a knowing look.  “I messed up your car once, I’ll do it again!”

 

Vegas Turns You In To A Jerk Who Wants To Be Caught

 

I read a Batman comic that explained why the Riddler would never get away with anything.  Batman explains that deep down Riddler wants to be caught and that’s why he leave clues.

This commercial is the shitter version of that.

He Wants to be Caught

This starts out with a husband being told by his wife, “I just got a postcard.”  Meaning the postcard was meant for her and it’s from him, like a confession.

His work trip was cancelled so he went to Vegas.  He reads all this with a smile.  The kind of smirk that says, “I screwed hookers and did blow for two days.”

Oh and his phone died.  He could have charged it but he didn’t want to.  Now, he’s just bragging!

Just to rub it in her trapped in a loveless marriage face, he ends the story with “sad face emoji”.

She just shakes her head and walks off to look at sad old photos and wonder where it all went wrong.  These two have had a conversation that ended, “Look, I know you cheat just stop telling me about it.”

Vegas is trying to be a family place and hold onto their edgier side; but this is just cruel.  Yeah he ran off to Vegas without even telling his wife (that’s one level of douche) but then instead of getting away with it, he bragged (that’s a second level of douche reserved only for the experienced sad face emoji user).

This makes me miss the days when Vegas was just about lying to strangers and taking their money.

The Good Old Days

 

Charmin Creates a World Where Humanity has Fallen

 

Commercials exist to sell you a product, if they are entertaining it’s in order to sell you something.

To that end Charmin has created this ongoing marketing campaign starring bears. They created a whole world around these red and blue bears and their obsession with toilet paper.  But if you really watch these commercials (as I have to a degree only known to my therapist) this is in fact a nightmare world.

Bear Commercial

 

They have technology; more precisely our technology. They have supplanted humanity as the dominant species on the planet.

You could argue that this is an alternate dimension that bears have evolved instead of humans and the fall of the human species didn’t happen but instead we just never made it up the evolutionary ladder. However, this doesn’t look likely. It seems these bears were once normal bears.

In earlier commercials the bears lived in the woods and they hung their toilet paper on a tree.  Then they found toilet paper (like the Monolith in 2001) and they evolved.  Now, they live in houses.

So bears are people now.  They have the trappings of a home (probably taken when the original owners were drug off to the toilet paper making camps) and they have technology (video games), art (poster on the wall), and most of all the concepts of clothes!

“Cleans so well it keeps your underwear clean.”  They know the ways of underwear.

They wear underwear!  Or more importantly they don’t.

Four teenage bear-boys with knowledge of their shame before their Bear God are in a basement, discussing their poo fetishes and they are doing it nude!

They know what underwear is and its purpose, and aren’t wearing any.

Then the mother bear comes down and she’s naked as all get out too.

Once you’ve introduced the concept of underwear into this world… shouldn’t they be wearing it? Aren’t’ they naked if they don’t?  There is a basement full of naked teenage boys playing video games and the naked mom is ok with this.

It doesn’t stop there.

Bear Apocalypse

Starting with the obvious, the TSA Bear is wearing clothes, clothes are a thing in this world, but the family is naked and now in public.

But there is a huge implication here, the bear TSA.

That means that there was a Bear equivalent of 9/11.

Are there Terrorist Bears? Take the issues facing the world and the Middle East right now and replace the people with bears.  Was there a toilet paper disagreement that lead to all out bear holy war?

polar_bear_bin_laden

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