So this is a topic that I’ve been reluctant to write about for some time.
When I started this little project I wrote some basic relationship advice that basically just comes from making to my age and interacting with other people. I always felt that nothing I think much less write is really unique; no deep secrets here. That being said it appears that some people out there (guys I imagine most but if you are of the female persuasion and find some value here good on you) need a mental exercise to help them out.
So let’s get started.
It seems so fundamental but it’s the best place to start and end.
When I studied in college I took a philosophy course or two. They were helpful in organizing my thoughts and developing the cold analytical machine you are reading here. One of my particularly wizened professors once told the class that his ultimate question was “Why something rather than nothing?” Whether you believe in nothing, something, or any combination there in you must admit that the universe (i.e. reality) exists. Was there a point that it didn’t? Don’t get caught up on whether everything exists because of an old man in white robe or random chemicals doing random things. Think past that and ask yourself not how but why does everything exist?
Right about not you are asking, “What the absolute fuck does this have to do with relationships?”
Well, it’s simple really. Often times relationships become our world and we get so caught up on the HOW we forget the WHY.
How do I make them happy?
How do I find time for them?
How do I pay the bills to get them what they want?
How do I do everything they need me to do?
It is important, perhaps the most important thing, to ask yourself throughout and regularly…
Why am I with them?
Why do they make me happy?
Why do I make them happy?
Why am I not alone?
Why are they not just a friend?
So instead of asking “How do I make this work?” dare to ask the harder question, “Why should I make this work?”
Often times we (guys especially) end up focusing on the doing. We are task orientated creatures. However, tasks without purpose can be very bad for you.
You would not run daily to prepare for a weight lifting completion and you would not lift weights to prepare for a marathon.
Why are you in the most all-consuming relationship of your life?
If you answers read
Because they said yes…
Because they need me…
Because I’ll be a bad person if I don’t want this…
Because I don’t know what else to do…
You deserve better.
Fundamentally, you are an aberration in existence. You are a unique person among nearly 7 Billion today, much less the Billions throughout human history. There has been and only will be one you. This is your story and if you are spending the best chapters on reason like the ones above I tell you that you can do better. Doing nothing is better than doing the wrong thing for the wrong reasons.
Worse, it’s selfish.
They are every bit as unique as you. Instead of letting them live up to their potential (which may be a painful thing) you are crippling them by making them use the crutch that is your relationship. They will never grow and heal if you keep carrying them. You are holding them back because you don’t know what else to do. Go through the pain of letting them go through the pain.
So, right about now you are pretty bummed and asking “Well then what are the right reasons?”
This is not a comprehensive list but here we go…
Because I am truly the best version of myself when I am with them…
Because they inspire, not shame or trick, me to do more…
Because they believe in me and when they believe in me I believe in me…
Because I know when things go bad they help me up and not put me down…
You only get one trip through life. Be the best version of yourself.
The work you dedicate your life to should have meaning.
The people in your life should be better for having known you.
The person you make your partner should make you better.
Money, jobs, houses, things… If you leave this world having spent your life on someone who does not make it better you are wasting the one thing you will never have more of… time. So ask yourself… Why?